Parenting a Child with Severe Anxieties
Parenting a Child with Severe Anxieties
One of the biggest contributing factors to a life of hell...
Why did she 'behave' that way?...
…for me, as the mum of a child suffering from severe (often debilitating) anxieties, wasn’t my daughter or her anxieties, but the opinions of some of the people around us!
Which is why I feel compelled to write this blog. If there was more understanding about these conditions, that can strike any one of us, we wouldn’t be so quick to judge and make people suffer more than they already do!
- Did my daughter choose to suffer how she did? Obviously not!
- Did she choose to live in fear every day of her life of something she did not understand and could not see? Obviously not!
- Did she choose to be different to her school friends and feel like she didn’t belong? Obviously not!
- Did she understand why this was happening to her? No, obviously not!
…and so the cycle began. Gradually compounding the thoughts and the anxiety attacks, making it all worse and worse and more and more frequent!
Hi, I’m Helen.
I’ve been looking for ‘a better way’ to enjoy life for as long as I can remember. Without the stresses of the 9-5 and the pressure of society’s expectations, just to be free to live life my way.
Find out more about me and how I’m creating the life I want.
Yet she was punished for it! Because it was just ‘bad behaviour’ and she deserved to be punished and humiliated! That’s exactly how she was treat!! And I was belittled because it was obviously down to my (lack of) parenting skills! This was people we knew, people we spent a lot of time with, not strangers!
Because they didn’t understand! I totally appreciate it was purely down to them having a complete lack of understanding, ignorance or both. Which I’ll be honest, that was me at the start too, because unless you’ve experienced it, it’s like nothing you’ve ever dealt with before!
Parenting a child with severe anxieties...
No, my parenting skills weren’t perfect in dealing with the anxiety episodes that arose for us. Certainly not in the beginning. I doubt many people naturally have parenting skills on that level.
I had to remind myself daily at one point, how to respond because ‘normal’ parenting skills didn’t even come close to dealing with the reality of those anxiety attacks when they arose out of the blue!
‘Normal’ discipline and reactions to a child behaving at the power of their anxiety will only escalate matters! When anxiety strikes, it takes over the whole child. They have no control, no sense of reasoning and rationalisation. They lose all concept of who they are and what they’re doing. They are simply off the scale scared to death frightened and most of the time they don’t even know why or what triggered it!
Start creating your life...
MINDFULNESS
MINDSET
LAW OF ATTRACTION
COURSES & RESOURCES
Learning to just breathe...
It takes a lot of learning, practice, patience, hurt and strength, to just pause, take a deep breath and respond the right way, every time, to diffuse a situation regardless of what’s going on around you. Regardless of how they’re ‘behaving’, you have to find that composure!! Why? Because our natural reactions are the absolute opposite of what they need!
You want to tell them off, you want to shout at them, you want to confiscate everything they’ve ever had and stop them from having anything nice ever again because they’re shouting, screaming, throwing and breaking things and that’s just a mild anxiety attack! But you just can’t! YOU JUST CAN’T, because it’s like they’re possessed, they don’t even know they’re doing it half the time. So what’s the point reacting like that anyway?!
I was a bad parent...
The amount of times I was told ‘she’s controlling you’, ‘you’ve got to be firmer with her’, ‘who’s the adult?’, ‘she’s making it all about her’, ‘she’s laughing at you’… I already felt worthless. I was already desperate for help, unable to see a way out. Already felt like I was failing.
Then BAM! I was told those things by other people too! Wow, and there was the confirmation that I had 100% failed! It must be true because these people thought it too! I might as well give up now. What’s the point continuing if I’ve messed up this big? If I’m the one who’s done this to my child!
…I saw no way out, no way forward. How could I when it was my own actions that had led to this in the first place? I didn’t see the point in life! There were times I felt so depserate and ready to give up because I’d messed up big time and there was no way out!
What she needed...
Yes, in those moments it was all about her and she needed to be in control. Why? Because she was scared beyond reason and needed to feel in control of herself or something, anything, to help her feel grounded again! Not for the sake of her being in control because she was a naughty kid, but to feel safe from whatever demon had tipped her over the edge!
To feel safe and loved beyond doubt!
What she needed, what she only needed in those moments was to be cuddled, to know she wasn’t on her own, to know that she was loved beyond doubt and we’d get through this together!
And as soon as she felt that safety net, then and only then, could I reason with her because she simply wasn’t herself, wasn’t in control of herself when the attacks happened… if she had been, she wouldnt have done it in the first place!
She’d be as distraught afterwards because she was so desperately sorry for what she had done. This wasn’t just a kid playing up or putting it on. This child, my daughter, my baby, was desperately crying out for help and I felt like I was failing her and wasn’t good enough! Because people told me I wasn’t good enough!
What I needed...
As her mum, the only thing I needed from the people around me was a confidence boost to know I didn’t have to let this thing beat us, that I had support around me, someone to tell me I was capable of helping her and I’d got this, a shoulder so I could just cry it out when desperation hit and a large glass of wine every night!
…isn’t that how we usually support our friends through anything? So why was I treat different in this case? Why, when it comes to parenting and mental health do we still not understand but continue to judge?!
I just want to add a quick, but very important disclaimer here for the absolutely amazing people who were there for us, the ones who were so invaluable in helping us through those times! The ones who dropped things to come running at the drop of a hat when needed! You were there whether you fully understood or not and you 100% helped us through everything! Thank you!
We must stop judging each other...
But why? Why is it we’re so quick to judge others’ parental ways? Why do we still not understand mental health problems? We understand if someone’s got a headache, but not if their head’s a bit muddlled up?!
How often do we say or hear people saying things like ‘I wouldn’t have let them get away with that’, ‘they need a good talking to’, ‘they can’t control their kids!’ or ‘she should be doing x, y, z…’
That’s one I remember from my parents’ generation, ‘she can’t control her kids’… but aren’t kids human too? They have feelings and opinions. They’re not here to be controlled, but to be guided and enjoy life as much as everyone else. Yes, teach them manners, respect, empathy, how to stay safe and make them aware of the consequencies of bad decisions, but let them be who they are! …But that’s just my parenting style and I’m happy with it.
We all have mental health...
My point is, now more than ever, we need to support one another! Mental illness is on the rise, likely to be more so since the pandemic and mental wellbeing for every single one of us matters in our every day life. It affects how we show up in the world, how we interact, survive every day or enjoy every day. How we interact with each other and how our children develop social skills and learn who they are. It is AS important at least as physical health. In some ways I believe more so because a lot of ailments can be triggered by our mental health not being in a good place.
Mental illness, like COVID-19, doesn’t discriminate! This ‘disease’, which comes in many forms, is always around, ready to strike any one of us, child, adult or old person at any given time! …What kind of person will you be when someone you know, someone you love, needs you to have their back?
Let’s not be so quick to judge, let’s hold out a hand of support more often whether we know the circumstances, the why’s and what for’s or not. If someone’s struggling, do they really need to hear it’s their own fault or do they just need to be believed in and be given a break?
I think we’ve become a nation of opinionated know it alls whether we know what we’re talking about or not! It’s time that stopped. It’s time we grew up, time we showed the compassion that’s inside every single one of us! It’s time we stopped being selfish and hurtful towards each other!
It’s time to create a new normal, a better normal, a better place to live for all of us!
Using it all as a springboard...
I’m grateful to be able to say we managed to turn our lives around. I shut myself away for a bit, stopped socialising and focused on nothing but me and my daughter getting the help we needed. Mostly because I didn’t see the point showing up in life but it was actually the best thing I could have done. It gave me head space without all the noise and it got me back to myself so I was in a better place to help my daughter.
Now, we’ve used all of this as a springboard to change the things in our life that weren’t working. I started home educating my daughter in December 2019. Who knew everyone would be doing it a few months later! But for us, I doubt this will ever change now, I doubt she’ll step foot in a school again! The option will always be there but we now have the world at our feet.
We’re free to make our own choices on where we live, the lifestyle we have, when to study, when to work and even eat and sleep. We can create our lives the way we want and to feel that free, is the best feeling ever!
Some people would say I’m failing my daughter now, not giving her a ‘proper’ education. But I know I’m giving her the best life and the best opportunities to experience life to the full and shape her life how she wants to live it! She’s happier than she’s been in years, we both are… so why would I force her to go to school, a place she was petrified of. An institution that nearly broke us both. Now that would be failing her!
MINDFULNESS
MINDSET
LAW OF ATTRACTION
COURSES & RESOURCES
Parenting a Child with Severe Anxieties
One of the biggest contributing factors to a life of hell...
…for me, as the mum of a child suffering from severe (often debilitating) anxieties, wasn’t my daughter or her anxieties, but the opinions of some of the people around us!
Which is why I feel compelled to write this blog. If there was more understanding about these conditions, that can strike any one of us, we wouldn’t be so quick to judge and make people suffer more than they already do!
Why did she 'behave' that way?...
- Did my daughter choose to suffer how she did? Obviously not!
- Did she choose to live in fear every day of her life of something she did not understand and could not see? Obviously not!
- Did she choose to be different to her school friends and feel like she didn’t belong? Obviously not!
- Did she understand why this was happening to her? No, obviously not!
…and so the cycle began. Gradually compounding the thoughts and the anxiety attacks, making it all worse and worse and more and more frequent!
Hi, I’m Helen.
I’ve been looking for ‘a better way’ to enjoy life for as long as I can remember. Without the stresses of the 9-5 and the pressure of society’s expectations, just to be free to live life my way.
Find out more about me and how I’m creating the life I want.
Yet she was punished for it! Because it was just ‘bad behaviour’ and she deserved to be punished and humiliated! That’s exactly how she was treat!! And I was belittled because it was obviously down to my (lack of) parenting skills! This was people we knew, people we spent a lot of time with, not strangers!
Because they didn’t understand! I totally appreciate it was purely down to them having a complete lack of understanding, ignorance or both. Which I’ll be honest, that was me at the start too, because unless you’ve experienced it, it’s like nothing you’ve ever dealt with before!
Parenting a child with severe anxieties...
No, my parenting skills weren’t perfect in dealing with the anxiety episodes that arose for us. Certainly not in the beginning. I doubt many people naturally have parenting skills on that level.
I had to remind myself daily at one point, how to respond because ‘normal’ parenting skills didn’t even come close to dealing with the reality of those anxiety attacks when they arose out of the blue!
‘Normal’ discipline and reactions to a child behaving at the power of their anxiety will only escalate matters! When anxiety strikes, it takes over the whole child. They have no control, no sense of reasoning and rationalisation. They lose all concept of who they are and what they’re doing. They are simply off the scale scared to death frightened and most of the time they don’t even know why or what triggered it!
Start creating your life...
MINDFULNESS
MINDSET
LAW OF ATTRACTION
COURSES & RESOURCES
Learning to just breathe...
It takes a lot of learning, practice, patience, hurt and strength, to just pause, take a deep breath and respond the right way, every time, to diffuse a situation regardless of what’s going on around you. Regardless of how they’re ‘behaving’, you have to find that composure!! Why? Because our natural reactions are the absolute opposite of what they need!
You want to tell them off, you want to shout at them, you want to confiscate everything they’ve ever had and stop them from having anything nice ever again because they’re shouting, screaming, throwing and breaking things and that’s just a mild anxiety attack! But you just can’t! YOU JUST CAN’T, because it’s like they’re possessed, they don’t even know they’re doing it half the time. So what’s the point reacting like that anyway?!
I was a bad parent...
The amount of times I was told ‘she’s controlling you’, ‘you’ve got to be firmer with her’, ‘who’s the adult?’, ‘she’s making it all about her’, ‘she’s laughing at you’… I already felt worthless. I was already desperate for help, unable to see a way out. Already felt like I was failing.
Then BAM! I was told those things by other people too! Wow, and there was the confirmation that I had 100% failed! It must be true because these people thought it too! I might as well give up now. What’s the point continuing if I’ve messed up this big? If I’m the one who’s done this to my child!
…I saw no way out, no way forward. How could I when it was my own actions that had led to this in the first place? I didn’t see the point in life! There were times I felt so depserate and ready to give up because I’d messed up big time and there was no way out!
What she needed...
Yes, in those moments it was all about her and she needed to be in control. Why? Because she was scared beyond reason and needed to feel in control of herself or something, anything, to help her feel grounded again! Not for the sake of her being in control because she was a naughty kid, but to feel safe from whatever demon had tipped her over the edge!
To feel safe and loved beyond doubt!
What she needed, what she only needed in those moments was to be cuddled, to know she wasn’t on her own, to know that she was loved beyond doubt and we’d get through this together!
And as soon as she felt that safety net, then and only then, could I reason with her because she simply wasn’t herself, wasn’t in control of herself when the attacks happened… if she had been, she wouldnt have done it in the first place!
She’d be as distraught afterwards because she was so desperately sorry for what she had done. This wasn’t just a kid playing up or putting it on. This child, my daughter, my baby, was desperately crying out for help and I felt like I was failing her and wasn’t good enough! Because people told me I wasn’t good enough!
What I needed...
As her mum, the only thing I needed from the people around me was a confidence boost to know I didn’t have to let this thing beat us, that I had support around me, someone to tell me I was capable of helping her and I’d got this, a shoulder so I could just cry it out when desperation hit and a large glass of wine every night!
…isn’t that how we usually support our friends through anything? So why was I treat different in this case? Why, when it comes to parenting and mental health do we still not understand but continue to judge?!
I just want to add a quick, but very important disclaimer here for the absolutely amazing people who were there for us, the ones who were so invaluable in helping us through those times! The ones who dropped things to come running at the drop of a hat when needed! You were there whether you fully understood or not and you 100% helped us through everything! Thank you!
We must stop judging each other...
But why? Why is it we’re so quick to judge others’ parental ways? Why do we still not understand mental health problems? We understand if someone’s got a headache, but not if their head’s a bit muddlled up?!
How often do we say or hear people saying things like ‘I wouldn’t have let them get away with that’, ‘they need a good talking to’, ‘they can’t control their kids!’ or ‘she should be doing x, y, z…’
That’s one I remember from my parents’ generation, ‘she can’t control her kids’… but aren’t kids human too? They have feelings and opinions. They’re not here to be controlled, but to be guided and enjoy life as much as everyone else. Yes, teach them manners, respect, empathy, how to stay safe and make them aware of the consequencies of bad decisions, but let them be who they are! …But that’s just my parenting style and I’m happy with it.
We all have mental health...
My point is, now more than ever, we need to support one another! Mental illness is on the rise, likely to be more so since the pandemic and mental wellbeing for every single one of us matters in our every day life. It affects how we show up in the world, how we interact, survive every day or enjoy every day. How we interact with each other and how our children develop social skills and learn who they are. It is AS important at least as physical health. In some ways I believe more so because a lot of ailments can be triggered by our mental health not being in a good place.
Mental illness, like COVID-19, doesn’t discriminate! This ‘disease’, which comes in many forms, is always around, ready to strike any one of us, child, adult or old person at any given time! …What kind of person will you be when someone you know, someone you love, needs you to have their back?
Let’s not be so quick to judge, let’s hold out a hand of support more often whether we know the circumstances, the why’s and what for’s or not. If someone’s struggling, do they really need to hear it’s their own fault or do they just need to be believed in and be given a break?
I think we’ve become a nation of opinionated know it alls whether we know what we’re talking about or not! It’s time that stopped. It’s time we grew up, time we showed the compassion that’s inside every single one of us! It’s time we stopped being selfish and hurtful towards each other!
It’s time to create a new normal, a better normal, a better place to live for all of us!
Using it all as a springboard...
I’m grateful to be able to say we managed to turn our lives around. I shut myself away for a bit, stopped socialising and focused on nothing but me and my daughter getting the help we needed. Mostly because I didn’t see the point showing up in life but it was actually the best thing I could have done. It gave me head space without all the noise and it got me back to myself so I was in a better place to help my daughter.
Now, we’ve used all of this as a springboard to change the things in our life that weren’t working. I started home educating my daughter in December 2019. Who knew everyone would be doing it a few months later! But for us, I doubt this will ever change now, I doubt she’ll step foot in a school again! The option will always be there but we now have the world at our feet.
We’re free to make our own choices on where we live, the lifestyle we have, when to study, when to work and even eat and sleep. We can create our lives the way we want and to feel that free, is the best feeling ever!
Some people would say I’m failing my daughter now, not giving her a ‘proper’ education. But I know I’m giving her the best life and the best opportunities to experience life to the full and shape her life how she wants to live it! She’s happier than she’s been in years, we both are… so why would I force her to go to school, a place she was petrified of. An institution that nearly broke us both. Now that would be failing her!
2 COMMENTS
-
Lisa
Thank you so much for this frank, open and honest account of your
experience dealing with child anxiety. I could relate so much to this -
admin
Hi Lisa, thank you for taking the time to leave a message. I’m hoping this helps to offer an element of comfort for people knowing they’re not the only ones going through something like this. Take care and best wishes, Helen
Comments are closed.
2 COMMENTS
Thank you so much for this frank, open and honest account of your
experience dealing with child anxiety. I could relate so much to this
Hi Lisa, thank you for taking the time to leave a message. I’m hoping this helps to offer an element of comfort for people knowing they’re not the only ones going through something like this. Take care and best wishes, Helen
Comments are closed.